There was a time where i felt so depressed about myself. I felt so anxious. Anxious about my future. Like how is it gonna be. is it gonna be good or bad?
I love making myself busy. It makes me forget about the society.
For these past months, ive been so busy until i abaikan tanggungjawab as a student. I do noticed that, but still ambil endah tak endah sebab terlalu fokus dekat satu benda. Sampai satu masa, even nak luangkan masa dengan kawan kawan pun dah takde.
"Kau ni busy sangat lah, sampai takde masa dah nak belajar dengan kiteorang"
"Kau ni, tak penat ke?"
"Cuba ambil satu hari tu, rehat. Kesian aku tengok kau"
Those friends. Thank you for taking care of me. Thank you for those words. But, i still ignored. Like there's nothing going to happen. Same goes to mama. She told me the same thing, I need to rest. Rest from what ive been doing.
I do feel tired. I'm a normal human being. I'm not a robot. I'm not putting the blame on what ive been doing. But, i put the blame on myself.
Kenapa kawan aku yang lain, yang masuk benda yang sama, busy jugak, tapi boleh fokus, boleh buat, tapi aku tak boleh?
What's the main reason? Self-management.
Time is really killing me. And even I am killing myself. I miss the old me, the one who really loves the society. Who is really passionate about what she's doing. Loves to do everything she wanted. Doesn't really care what everyone has said about her. Because she knows herself better than anyone does.
There was a time when I sat down, kept myself in the hypnotized mode. And I started to cry, because I'm so disspointed about myself. I'm not doing well. Everything was going out of control. I can't put myself in a conscious way. I can't think properly. I'm stucked.
Orang sekeliling letak harapan tinggi kat kita. Bila kita sendiri tak letak harapan tinggi dekat benda yang kita buat. Tapi, harapan orang sekeliling tu, what makes us feel small. We are afraid that we might dissapoint them.
Hopes are fine. It keeps us motivated. It makes us wanna do much better. Tapi, bukan ke lagi elok, kita bagi dia semangat lagi daripada letak harapan tanpa bagi sokongan. It's like cooking the instant noodle in the microwave. We expect that it will turn out as good as it cooks in a pot with lots of ingredients. But, end up differently.
I spent too much time on other people. I focused on something else rather than myself. I focused on others while myself? Hahahhaha don't even care. Apa orang nak buat, buat. Sakitkan hati, buatlah. But, in the end, the one who felt the pain? Me. No one will know. Sebab yang kena siapa? Aku.
My parents are the type which they are not forcing me to study, no curfew, but still they have their words for me to take care of myself. I know when is the appropriate time for me to be home. I tried my best not to get myself into trouble. I know they are hoping for me to do well. They often told me, eventhough I'm not into what I'm currently studying, but do your best. Because there must be a reason for every things that happened.
I literally cried everytime someone touched the sensitivity especially about parents. Because no matter what, family comes first. There were times where I ignored them, like for a while. But, I'm so grateful that I realized it quickly and got back on track where I used to be.
But, in the end. I'm here. No matter what, I have to face this. Keep yourself strong, 5 months left, and you're good to go.
Good luck dearself.